bye 2008

hmmmm... ever wonder why i only post sad things in the blog?
seriously, i haven got a clue myself..
anyways, i guess the reason why i dun blog that much anymore
is because of the fact that im actually happy these few months..

in short, i have been having wonderful memories of me and of cousre, my precious dear..
and since its already like the last day of the year, im going to summarize everything..

January...
went to national service..
got stucked inside due to governments "order"
end up being head of company of one of the four companies.. obviously, company Charlie..
in kem sentosa, sematan.. kuching, sarawak..
met my dear.. right in national service..sort of like hav this irresistable feeling..

Febuary..
lost 10kg
cny2008
also, dear and i started being like a thing..
actually felt kinda cared under her..
still love her so much though..
felt like God finally sent me the angel i always wanted..
back to camp.. did many trainings and stuff..

March...
lost another 10kgs
kissed with dear.. omg.. 1st time.. kinda shocking as is diff with a girl..
Spm results came oput..
8A1, 1D7.. history.. (my bad)
came out of camp too..
flew to taylors university college straight..
partly because of dear too..
i was devastated without her by my side..
not feeling her touch and her smile..
settling down in Pangsapuri apartment.. supposedly nice place.. ended up not so nice after all..
met a nice girl named Schasha.. 20 yrs old btw.. (old bitch).. hahas
in sch.. met this umm.. no comment girl.. kinda nerdy but then not,. amanda.. hahas..
and .. oh well.. ya.. im stuck with just 2 frens... yaicksz...
still missing her.. always quarreling somehow.. never come see me since i arrived too!!!.. bloody mean..
know a china girl named kathy.. wonderful yet motherly

April...
1st National service gathering.. pratically the 1st and last gathering i was invited to actually..
saw dear.. she cooly did not acknowledge my presence..
it was the saddest and darkest day in our dating history...
the week after.. went on ouyr 1st date in genting..
was suppose to break up straight after that cos its hard to accept relationship like this//
(at least thats wat she said.. urgghhh)
then, sparks came.. hahas.. and one thing led to another.. and boom.. we're kinda like still together.. weird i noe..
she went working tho.. lonely times..

May..
birthday bunny..
din reli celebrated it cos someone's busy working.. movies..
a while lot actually..
met once a week..
every saturday she promised..
everything seems fine..
come almost end of May, she went to utar..
life there seems challenging for her tho..
i have my foundation 1st semester. midterm exam..
hanging out a lot with my newly made friends, said and salem..

June..
as usual..
assignments for 1st sem..
hair dyed purple streaks..
YED held in school..
sold stuff like..
hmmm..
whats it again?
jelly? hawaiian theme.. kinda cool.. i actually bought a swim dress thingy for it..
AMANDA had loads of fun.. with her flower looking shorts..
changed to subline under dear..

July..
finals of 1st sem.. what a killer week..
worthed it tho.. hair was red streaks.. den blue
went back to my hometown.. kuching ..
met parents..
sisters..
friends..
of course
mom shocked at blue hair..
frens say i never change.. n dating a girl , is no suroprise for them..
seems like im kinda capable of anything..
frens fr kch came.. went sunway lagoon, genting with them and of cos..
our tour guide..
dear..hahas..
tanzanians came to sha's apartment.. fey, jasmine, agnes.. lovely friends

August..
back to sch.. weee.. missed dear alot when was at kch tho..
went dating again..
did a lot of work.. 2nd semsester.. getting tougher..
resiting maths paper..
bloody maths..
dear having trouble in utar..
hmmm..
inti maybe?

September..
Dear has landed in inti!!!
right next to taylors..
which means... we get to see each other everyday.. woohooo..
life cudnt be better..
we spent times swimming, eating.. studying.. (occasionally)hahaas

October...
urgh.. mid sem test for sem 2..
tiring.. and scary..
maths still killing me..
friends getting problematic in class..
assignments streess going on always..
killing me.. sighs.. loads of stress..
caught by parents for smoking.. bad bad..
dad not talking to me.. sighs..

November..
new month.. my birthday month too!!!
had a surprise birthday thing for schasha.. along with other frens, hasmah and chit..
went top bangkok and Pattaya, Thailand..
saw one too many gays.. kinda cool..
shopped til i seriously dropped..
nice family bonding time..
dear did miss me alot when i was in thailand..
sent me many nice emails tru fs..
gud girl..
then 27th nov..
sha and dear's first clubbing night..
everything went well as planned..
had loads of fun..
29th midnught, i got poured by, urghhh.. water balloons//
thanks sha n agnes..

December..
worse months i cn say..
starting 3rd sem.. visit from louisa was a gud thing.. she met dear and sha.. nice life..
then, they all have hols.. only back in jan.//. so im currently like ALONE
in the apartment..
lonely life does kill..
dear has been trying to spend time with me..
tho,, strict parents..
xmas with her in mines wonderland, and a nice midnight movie..
best xams ever..
and of cousre.. amanda's bday..
zmas day=amanda's bday..
obviously she called me a big mouoth as i told everyone her bday..
hahas.. she'll thanked me someday
been hanging out with *people Like Me*
ermm.. hopefull, sha can come back by new year.. sighs..
having mid terms exam.. today actually..
this is the story of my year..2008..


as u can c.. i dun blog much as i lead a simple life..
all i need is dear, and a couple of frens..
i miss her so much..
and she being with me here.
has been a lot of support for me..
i reli love her..
and i hope things stay the same..

i dun relil have many sad things to talk about too..
obviously, i do feel jealous when she.. sometimes...
but then again, she does assures me.. so anyways

i think im grateful that i have gud buds like schasha and amanda..
though sha is a bitch..
and amanda is.... hahas... heads over heels with...
hahas..
the two girls just complete my life with boy trouble..
tho, obviously,. im not so interested in boys in the 1st place..
dammn cracked up funny la..

anyways, i seem to be an expert in guys..?

eeewww.. which i so dun agree.. anyways.. thats all..
sighs.. accomplishment..

2008, im gonna miss you.. but hey sucker, i moving on..2009 here i come!!!

Offical Fan Site of The L Word

cnt blif u just walked away

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im sorry

after all of your hurtful msgs..
i have no more mood to continue being saad, angry, hurt, disappointed or what so ever.
i am also not sure what am i suppose to do, so that u would just 4get our arguement. its not the fact that i disagree evrything from you.. it just that, i love u so much.. i noe u do not want to hear all of this anymore cos nothing i do, makes u happy anymore, so, its ok.. im gonna be fine. u take care of usrself. im not a goof enough gf for u.. n ur the best gf i ever had in the world. u mean the world to me, if only u knew how important u are to me..

girl, i love u so much.. if only u knew.. which i think u do, i noe that i do not always show my appreciation.. im sorry.. i will try my best from now on k?
i noe u love me, and im sorry for all the hurtful things i said just now.. its 3sth in the night, i cant slp.. i keep looking through the msgs that u gave me.. im sorry.. i m so stupid, foolish.. i love u dear...

when i try to help, u rejected me at first... den suddenly when u turn back and ask 4 my help, all i wanted to do was lend u a helpin hand so that u will be thankful that u have such a nice baby. but obviously u dun lik the way i work. then y u ask 4 my help in the first place?
what did i do?
i hate u so much!
today u hit me, scare me.. suiddenly just hit me lik that.!!!

den now, after i try helping u., u just scolded me in front of ppl!
i hate u i hate u!!!
why u r so bad?
ur so bad...
i hate u hate u hate u hate u

if u dun lik me so much just tell me , den i wouldnt even wana care bout u and ur fucking assignment!!!

i hate it when we quarrel!
hate it hate it hate it hate it...

u never care boput my feelings at all!

fine, if all u want, is keep quiet and pretend nothing happen den fine!!!

u asked me y i cry just now in the afternoon and i say i wont tell u, cos wateva i say, u sure noe how to ans!
so whats the point i say so much already..


whateva!!!

i hate u hate u hate u hate u
i dun wan talk to u dy...

trust?

i tot u trusted me.. i thought u believe that i wont do anything stupid to ur acc.. but no, u din trust me and u had to change ur password.. ur fans will be so happy that u dun even trust ur baby.
u win ba.. i let u win dy.. since i trusted u.. i gav u my password but no.. u dont trust me.. i m so disappointed.. no wonder u always log out when i check into the account in ur house.. u think im so free, wanting to check at ur myspace? no! all i wanted was to c ur fs.. is that so hard?
u hurt me alot this time,... ur moods not good, when i talk to u, u always fall aslp, when i hug u at night, u sleep on ur own.. why?

what did i ever do now!
im so hurt!!!!!!!
ur making me cry everytime.. u leave me when i need u.. u dun really care bout me, u treat me as ur fren not ur baby anymore..,. im so hurt.. i cnt blif u.. u reli break my heart this timer.. i reli i swear i din even wana c ur space. but u dun blif me!
i never thought about seeing ur myspace.. its true!!!
y u dun blif me?!!!
now u misunderstand me again!
im not that type of person!!!

i hate u hate u hate u!!!

trust is most important in a relationship n we dont have that!
]i trust u, but u dun trust me!
fine...

whats the point of being together if u dun trust me anymore?

i reli8 tot u love me. thats y i asked r u serious!!!
my god!..
u hurt me so much and im crying tears of betrayal, huirt. disappointments, and anger all at one go...
i hate u..

u broke my heart


again!!!!!!!

life of hell

do you ever know how it feels to be disappointed?
I was disappointed for 1 too many times..
the more faith and hope I put on something, the more disappointed I get when I am let down..
i hate this feeling the most..

the feeling of having everything one sec, n loosing everything the next.
this is my life now.. the days im going through..

everything is like a ticking bomm waiting to blow up..
has anyone ever thought about how i woukd feel after all these commotions?
sometimes i tell my self is it really worth doing things for people when people do not even appreaciate u at all?

is it so hard to get a simple thank you sometimes?
is it so hard to be noticed? by you...
what ever i do, it never seem good enoigh for you..
your expectations are so high..

why cant u just let me be who I m? i love dear so much. n i just wana be happy w dear.. why cant u just leave me alone?
y cnt u stop messing my life..

because of what ever u said, just your very one sentence..
u'll scare dear off like hell..
dear's worried.. n im v sad..
i feel so happy one minute, den suddely.. this thing happen... urgh...

im so sick of life..

another thing i hate in life is whatever i do, is never good enough.
whatever suggestions i give, its seldom taken counted for...

whats the point of me trying to do these things for you when u don;t appreaciate?

why?
cnt u just treat me like ur baby?
why r u always so mean towards me? what ever u say, just ur one sentence..

cn send me straight to helll....

bleeding love

...

its has been good for such a long time...


no flyin coaster n all those crappy amatuer things...

n den suddenly.. dear.. what happened?
wat did i do wrong? was it the fact that i worried to much?

i noe i love u so much.. but i cnt even tell u that.. u noe how hurtful it is?
i cnt tell u i love u because u dun wan me to love u so deeply?

u noe this feeling is so intense n insane it gets me off my head?
u noe how hurtful it is to read ur msgs saying u love me but u dun wan me to love u that deep?

have u ever thought about my feelings? i noe that u noe i will get more hurt in the future..
n u dun wan me to get more hurt..

dear, pls... its okie.. wateva happens will come..
pls just let my love empower us.. dun hold back anything... dun take away n hide away ur feelings..

i noe it is all my fault.. always thinking so much n worrying over little little things that are not worth it.. its just me ...

im like that n u noe it..

i dun wan u feel sad o angry bout me..
i noe u dun wan to care about me anymore..
u used to care bout how i feel.. u always took care of me too.

now, u stil take care of me.. but ur tired that u dun wan even care whether i ate n all..
i got guaii.. i got eat de.. sobs.. dear...
i noe u dun jealous n dun control me does not mean u dun love me..

im stupid n foolish.. im sorry//

its all my fault. pls 4give me..

im reli sorry..
that day u sent all those hurtful msgs..
i cnt stop thinking about it.. since then, we hav been flying coaster again n again..

that day u cared bout me.. n u were so worried... but u hate me..

now i finally noe u hate me a lot..
im sorry...
its my fault...

dear..

pls dun hate me..

i cnt 4get ur words..

i noe u sure hate me so much.. i noe u dun love me at all n u hate me...
if making me hurt, seeing me sad, makes u happy, i rather sad all the time..

im sorry...

i so care bout u..
i want to show u i appreciate u but i dono how.. i want to giv u so much more but i dono how..
i reli dono.. dear..

pls...

let me be here w u..

loved now n always,
baby

why?

dear.. bao bei feel so hurt now..

u dy ooi ooi.. im so sad... n keep crying.. stupid me..

now my eyes all feel so swollen.. dear... i cnt slp .. dear..
i dun wan u think i let go off my dream for u..

i love u n wana be with you.. at the same time, i also can go for studies that i cn do well de..

its okie...
i chose business dy..

so i just study that la..

dear.. pls..im sorry..

its all my fault.. pls forgive me k ma?
i dun wan leave u, dun wan u leave me too..

i love u n hate u..
ur so bad..
sobs...

dear..
sobs..

i reli dono what should i say to make u dun so sad,,

dun quarrel with me..
i dun wan u hate me de..

sobs,.

dear... let me melt ur heart again..
let me take u away.. in dreams of happiness and fantasy..

let me be ur light..
pls..

let me be a big part of ur life..
take me in..
sobs..

dear..

baby will ooi ooi now.. will guaii... but u must promise me u forgive me..
n must promise me that u wont think that again..

i love u 4 u too..
nth else..

dear..
ur my everything, yes, but there are other things besides u too oki?

even tho now the reason i live is because of you, even my doctor noe..

but its oki.. i will live for myself de.. i got de.. y u dun wan blif me..

sobs

dear, im sorry

dear..
im really sorry...
im so sorry..

pls forgive me..
i noe this few days i keep quarreling wif u..
im sorry..

my temper not gud.. i wil try to improve de k...
im reli sorry..
dear pls forgive me..

i also dono why the way u talk to me..
the tone of ur voice is different already..
maybe i , myself think too much..

maybe i shouldn;t think so much..

i cnt ctrl myself.. cos my heart only beats for you..
i love u ..

so much and i dunwan u to leave me..
n i also dun want u to forget about ur baby bao bei.. sobs..

dear...

im sorry.. sobs sobs.. pls forgive baby..

baby beg u ..

i noe, sth is wrong with my temper.. im sorry..

sobs

dear...

dearie,

cal u cnt get thru..
u reli frightened me

i was so worried,,
tot i did sth wrong again..

dear, i love u.
n i dun wana quarrel wif u over small matters..

sobs.. dear..

bao bei dun wan us to be unhappy cos of all these little things..

bao bei wan us to stick together no matter what..
go thru things together...


i wan us always there to support each other n not to quarrel over useless chidish stuff

i love u and i care alot bout u

i swear to God i wont hurt u, i wil be there for you..

pls dun think so much..
sayang baby..

guaii ya... bao bei's here, 4 u..
im fine, feeling much better,..

huggie k ma?

what do you want from me?

am i nvr gud engh?

i see many things that hurt my feelings,
i also dun wan complain to u ald..
i also dun wana care ald..


n u also ask me do things without explaining.
n i just delete it without asking so much..
u noe i wil think a lot
but i still keep quiet. dun even wana ask y
cos i noe i wil get more hurt..
what else u want from me?

i feel like u hate me now..
sobs...
dear.....

why? how cud u/?

dear...
how could you do this to me ar...

im so sad n cryin now..
but when i tell u
u just say sweat and say u just ... let go..

sobs... dear...

im so sad.. why u call her bao bei..
den what m i?
i used to trust u.. now?
let me c dao so many times u simply lai...

im so guaii dun even do anything dy...
all my heart n love for u..

sobs..

u dun understand how i feel de..

its ok..
im fine..
whateva...

dun care bout me..
i;ll be fine after i cry.. i hate u tonight..

tot im ur bao bei..
now everytime u call me bao bei i wil think of her..
sobs...

dear ar...
how cud u...
pls....

why.....

dear..............


pls...

so sad...

i cry so loud n alone now..

i feel stupid..

u dy wif me
y i still wan cry

thats y i tell u im fine...

its ok..

dear...

sorry..
forgive me...

i just cnt accept u lik tis.. let me cool down first..

i just..

so heartbroken now...
so..

so pain...

thanks

I'm very happy when I spend my days with you..
last weekend was fun..
dear.. thank you for everything..

even though now,. im so sick.. giddy n bad flu.. cough too.. but its ok..
i can take care of myself de.. dearie... bao bei love u..

u must be in sch now.. got guai guaii de mar?
sayang u.. mwarcksz...
actually ur slpin now.. cos u just msged to tell me..
sayang.. go ooi ooi...

baby pei u ooi ooi in ur dreams k?
hug u from the back tightly..

If I Let You Go lyrics by westlife

dear... i just wana tell u i wont let u go.. i love u much.. bao bei hug u ya..

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows,
I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again
I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know
if I let you go?
Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

[All:]But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (oh yeah)
How will I know[Shane:] if I let you go ?
If I let you go ooooh baby Ooooooooohhhhh
Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out Ooooooooohhhhh
[All:]But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
([Shane:] oh yeah)
How will I know
([Bryan:] if I let you go?)
But if I let you go I will never know
([Mark:] oh baby) Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
([Shane:] oh yeah) How will I know
[Shane:] if I let you go ?

today

these few days..
I could feel my heart aches..
I didn't tell anyone..
I kept quiet..

suddenly, I just lost so many frens.. too fast..
I begin to start doing things alone and on my own again..
I thought that sleepin can solve my problems but obviously it got worse..
And Im sick now..

These few days.. I really really thought that just sleepin, the time will fly..
then I can just sleep through time, no need eat, no need anything...
that way I wont miss anyone, n I wont keep bothering her..
dear.. Im guessing ur online till now, o fell aslp ald..

sayang..
Im fine k?
i love you..

i don't wanna fight no more- westlife ( dear, read read)

I can´t sleep
everything i ever knew
is a lie, without you
I can´t breathe
When my heart is broke in two
There´s no beat
Without you
You´re not gone, but you´re not here
Is that the way it seems tonight
Cause we can try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
Cause baby
I don´t wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as it´s in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you
I don´t wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, i´m hoping we can start tonight
Cause i don´t wanna fight, no more
How can I live
When everything that I adore
And everything I´m living for
Girl it´s in you
I can´t dream
Sleepless nights have got me by
The only dream I´ve ever had
Is being with youI know that we can make it right
It´s gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line(that line)
I don´t wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as it´s in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you
I don´t wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, i´m hoping we can start tonight
Cause i don´t wanna fight, no more I made a bet, i made a vow
That i will never let you go I mean it then, i mean it now
And i wanna tell you so
I don´t wanna fight no more (oh no)
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as it´s in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you
I don´t wanna have to try Girl to live without you in my life
So, i´m hoping we can start tonight (can we start)
Cause i don´t wanna fight, no more I don´t wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as it´s in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you
I don´t wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, i´m hoping we can start tonight
Cause i don´t wanna fight, no more
It´s a lie, without you, without you

Im sorry

I m cryin now cos I really don't like to quarrel with you dear..

I will Cross the bridge when the time comes ok?

please... its too early to decide where my future stands,

and I don't want us to quarrel and get sad over small matters lik this..

our relationship together is not worth the quarrel..

dun quarrel k?

here, I am.. to apologize to you..

i love u..
and I'm sorry.. please forgive me..

I dun wan quarrel dy..
Im wrong.,
Please forgive me dearie..


sobs

At night...

I'm Lying alone on the couch,
Looking out at the night skies,
Closing my eyes to make my eye lids meet,
An unexpected tear rolls down my cheeks,
Then, another tear...

I think I could do better than this,
After all that I had gone through,
I told myself not to miss you,
But I remember , What it feels Like,
Beside you feeling your hair in my hands...

Taking a deep breath,
Trying to clear my mind,
Hoping to relive our moments together,
Regretting not being able to see you always,
Praying that time flies faster than the wind...

Looking at the pillows you gave me,
Thousand of thoughts running through my mind,
HUgging pillows tightly, nicely tucked in blanky,
I could feel the hot enerygy overpowering me,
Taking both my energy and breath away...

Closing my eyes, Imelt myself in pure ecstacy, pool of dream,
Thinking about every microminidetail I could,
The way I would hug you when I see you,
The way I kiss your lips so softly and tenderly as you like it,
The way I show you I LOVE YOU...


by,
Dianne @ AnnE
15/05/2008

dearie..

dearie...

I cant use words to express just how I feel about u..

words.. just seem too limitless for me..

its hard to get the feeling I feel deep down in my heart..

but just for you,

I will try my best dear..

only you..

now, I can feel that u truly care about me..

everytime u touch my cheeks,

and I close my eyes..

I could feel a sudden heat and my heart skips a beat..

I just feel so happy to be with you..

ur so understanding..

and I know at times,

I am not a good girl..

didn't listen to ur advice.. or instructions

do things my own way.. in the end, i hurt myself..

just like you ask me dun always go out late til the morning,

but I still do..

and when my head hurts or feel giddy and sick

u know, serves me right..

but instead.. ur not mad..

still ask me to take good care..

still say ur heart hurts when u hear that I'm unwell..

thats so nice..

I also love ur cute actions.. makes me wana kiss u so badly.

ur so irrestible..

I'm really clueless.. I don't know since when,

but I have everything I need in life now..

I feel so complete with you in my life..

without u, my life wouldn't be complete..

I love to see u make du du lian..

and u so bad.. say i look ugly n just like a gold fishy.. bad dear.. hit hit..

bite u hard hard.. blueks

I want to take this chance to say thank you to u..

nowadays u try to pei me many times.. i love u..

dearie... actually I wanted to pei u go to ur sch's yi mai hui..

but i dun dare tell u.. but now, even though I din go.. dear's feeling stil din change..

yay..(cos i tot u wil dun wan me dy) ='(

I will always rmbr the times we always go out together.. every moment we spend with each other..

whether is out or in.. I will cherish and treasure evrymoment with my whole heart..

I hope u feel the same way too..

i rmbr one time, i scare u bout snake near ur leg.. and hand.. hahas... i love bullying u..

blueks,..

>.<

and the times when i ask a stupid question or say something stupid and u just hit my head..

bad,...

bully me?!!! i tell my mommy..

"mummy, mummyyyyyyyyy... dear bully me...."

mummy sure ans" haha.. good.. hit more"

the times when u msg n call me cos ur worried bout me.. makes me feel so loved..

I noe that I'll always have such a caring and sensitive dear by my side..

Dear understands me so well.. what I'm thinking.. what's running through my head..

what I feel in my heart.. its like u can scan through my head!! (yer.. scary)

hmmm... what else?

i like to see when u eat ice cream.. makes me wana laugh.. and dun worry ya..

if u eat til ice cream at the side of ur little lips, i wil wipe for u de..

den stick it back to ur face..

hahas...

blueks....

Im writting this blog to tell the whole world that i feel so happy when im with you..

i will work hard to hold and tie ur heart next to mine..

for as long as i can.. (u must help me , give me support ya..)

cos i finally realised that i need u, i love u..

and u make me whole.. complete..

='(

I miss u so much dear..

while your working, got rest marhx?

I'm really sorry.. i shouldnt have been so stupid to cry over small things..

I should trust you..

should know that Dear is the best,

and sayang bao bei de most de..

rite?

sowie...

I promise will try my best don't always think so much ler..

because dear's too good.. Im scared I;m not enough for you..

Im sorry...

I'll try..

sobs..sick sick

dear..

I feel so sore and sick now..

My head hurts.. spinning n spinnig...

ouch.

i feel like my energy has all been washed out from everypart of my body..

how i wished you were here to hold me tight..

pick me up in your arms n let me lean against you..

as you sayang my head, i crawl n cradle inside you.. feeling your breathe against my cheeks..

sighs..

dear, you are still working now.. and I really don't want to bother you.. I miss you so much..

I will be always here waiting for your msgs..

and I promise I wont run n jump towards the handphone..

I miss my baby so much..

I want to know when my baby's hungry.. wan baby eat full full and slp well too..

last night what you sense.. i guess its correct gua.. so i no need tell u ald..

my nose still bleed this morning.. but now no more ald..

I always want mwarcksz mwarcksz you wor..

dear..

i v giddy,.. head v pain

i wan be ur baby..

wan u pei me ooi Ooi..

wan u take care of me when im sick..

sobs..

dear,...

wan u kiss away all my pain now..

feel better

bao bei wondering how are you feeling now dear..

sobs sobs..

sorry.. smile lar..?

dear.. what you want bao bei to do to feel better ner?

I didn't msg you now not cos I don't miss you..

just don't want to bother you because scare add to your stress..

sowie dear.. sobs sobs..

I really want make you feel better or happier..

teach me how?

i ald take good care of myself n mumm mumm dy wor..

teach me how?

im clueless dy...

Bao Bei miss ur huggie

Mwarcksz

>.<

gawd!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like killing someone now!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd! dammit !!! Jeezzzzzzz!!!!!!!!

i hate it

i hate it

i hate it

i hate it

i hate it

i hate it

shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

urghhhhh

Gawd!!!

@#$%^&*&^$#$%@@%^$&^%#

sighs...

how i wish dear cud giv me a huggie now

dammit!!!!!

sobs sobs..

tears keep rolling , but i don't know why..

sobs...

my heart so hurt..

why like this de?

bao bei need u now..

dear..

280408

see dear.. bao bei today mumm real much wor.. I mumm cos I want to see you happy.. wen be a good bao bei.. giv me sayang liao.. fast.. see.. I guaii wor..
ah... hot almond milk.. I drink dy so high.. hahas.. so calm n nice.. ah....

My fren take for me der.. at noodle station

me again.. before eating..

after mumm mumm .. walking bck to college ald.. sighs..



dear.. bao bei miss u so much.. i want u see me happy.. How;s ur fever?

sobs... sayang...

even though I have many feelings today but i stil miss u der.. n i dun wan u care so much bout me.. not worth it de.. dun need to worry bout me la.. sighs..

Dear

+

Bao Bei

=

Mwarckszxxxxxxxxxx

>.<

missing you

bao bei really missed you so much..
seems like years since I last saw you
even though i just meet up with you yesterday
time and distance really does kill..

slowly taking my life away..
sighs..
wat am i gonna do?

I miss you so much.. stupid rite?
Am I this useless?

dear... sobs sobs..
I miss you.. listen songs also cry.. what for? i really dono..

always thinking bout you..
bao bei feel so happy when you treat me so good..
makes me want to make you happy.. want to see you smile..
want you to be happy with me..

my heart so pain when you said you feel so giddy n hot.. stupid weather..
make dear uncomfortable..
den i feel so useless..
u so uncomfortable, but i cnt do anything..
can only sayang thru msg..
sighs..

so useless..
i feel sad cos i cnt be there for you to make you feel better..
sobs..

i also feel scare.
afraid that if i msg u too much ,
you will feel frustrated and annoyed..
so always dun bother you..
dear so busy.. i really dun want be your burden..
want dear happy n stress free when see my msg..
want u to smile when you see my msg..
not frown.. not unhappy.. not feel bothered,,
sighs...

dear.. why i say all this i also dono..
nvm la.. dun bother bout all this..
you noe i miss you and really really care bout u, gud engh dy..

"without you, there'd be no sun in my life,
there'd be no love in my life,
there'd be no world left for me.." leann rimes(how do i live)

i love u.

marc anthony says it all..

Marc Anthony

My Baby You lyrics

as i look into your eyes
i see all the reasons why
my life's worth a thousand skies
you're the simplest love i've known
and the purest one i'll own
know you'll never be alone

[chorus:]
my baby you
are the reason i could fly
and 'cause of you i don't have to wonder why
baby you
there's no more just getting by
you're the reason i feel so alive
though these words i say are true
they still fail to capture you
as mere words can only do
how do i explain that smile
and how it turns my world around
keeping my feet on the ground

[repeat chorus]
i will soothe you if you fall
i'll be right there if you call
you're my greatest love of all
[repeat chorus]

*dear.. bao bei miss ur hugs**

nvm

I wished that I can tell you everything..
and how I feel about everything..
and everything that you should know..
but I cant..

its not I m hiding things from you..
its just that you wouldn;t care , and wouldnt have any reactions too..
so, whats the point?

I gave you many hints,
but maybe you just don;t know..
sighs.

nvm lar..
im fine..
im happy now too,..
feel better den last week..
so, its okay,..
everything is cool...


sorry,.. duno wat im thinking..
4giv me..

i love you

where r u dear?

im sitting alone in the bedroom.. sighs... missing you..
u haven reply me.. so many msgs i sent..
sobs

u so bad arh..
hithit...

i m doing my assignments.. den now.. cnt continue doin it..
wondering y u suddenly din s me again..
y these few days asking those ques..
y not replyin my msgs again..

i ald be gud girl.. i put lots of oil on my head to reduce my headache ler..
sobs..


dear...
where r u?

I never knew Love could feel this way
The kind of Love that makes you always want to stay
I never knew what a wonderful feeling I could get
Just by Loving you and having you Love me back
To have you do things for me
And me to you
And it be such a simple thing to do
I never knew what it was like to have anyone
Lay down beside me
Just to hold me, feel me, Love me
Until I met you
How it felt to be wanted just for me
I grew used to being whatever other people wanted
Even though it wasn't true
I never knew the feeling of having someonelove me for me
Until I met you

....

My heart cries, but you don’t hear it.
My heart breaks, but you don’t feel it.
My body longs to feel your arms around me.
My lips long to feel your kisses.
My ears long to hear you say I love you.
My eyes long to see your smile and eyes twinkle.
My life longs to have you in it.
My world longs to have you make it complete.
My body longs to feel you lie next to it.
My love longs to have you return it.
My heart will cry, my heart will break.
My body will go limp, my lips will only speak.
My ears will miss your words, my eyes will shed tears.
My life will be so lonely, my world will be so empty.
My love will go unreturned.
My heart aches as my life is turned inside out.
My mind will never forget, my heart will never let go.
I have loved you since the day I met you
But now my heart cries, and you don’t hear it.

dear, all i want to say..

dear.. all I want to say to you is:

Unbreak My Heart
Toni Braxton
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Uncry these tears I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart, my heart
Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
Ohh, oh
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
Unbreak my Unbreak my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Unbreak my heart Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on Can't go on

my heart hurts

dear..
when are you going to be ready?
sighs..
mind nothing except our relationship.. sobs..
my heart cnt take it ler..


im so heartbroken.. split to two.. i dont wan.. i wan a complete heart,,
a ful heart..
whole heart..
love..
sighs..

dont want and cannot..
sighs..
wat end product?
nothing..
both also de same de la..
where got different..
sighs..
you dun even care about me..
i mean nothing to you.. nothing at all..
im not important to you..
you dont need me
u r so happy when im gone,,
no one to bother u anymore..

sighs..

cnt take it ler..

SO PAIN

I'm really frustrated in life!!!!!!!

what ever I try always fail fail fail..

I'm destined to be a bif failure in everything!!!

no matter what I do

Or how much I try

ITS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH!

what do you want from me?!

what do u really want?

I really cant control how much I feel about you already!

everything you do,

i care so much!

whats the point?

what for i want to do this?

why I want to try so hard even though I already know

THATS ITS NO USE ALREADY?!

REALLY NO USE!

I'M SO USELESS!

I REALLY HATE MYSELF!

THERE'S NOTHING MORE I HATE IN LIFE NOW

BECAUSE

ALL I HAVE,

ALL I WANT,

ALL I NEED,

ALL I WISH FOR.

ALL GONE ALREADY..

I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING IN LIFE..

SO I DON'T SEE WHATS THE POINT AND MY PURPOSE IN LIFE

ANYMORE

MY HEART IS VERY PAINFUL NOW..

IM GETTING SICKER AND SICKER EACH DAY

MY HEART REALLY REALLY HURTS

NO ONE CAN FEEL

NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND

NO ONE CAN SHARE MY PAIN

ME ALONE

ONLY ME ALONE..

SO PAIN NOW

SO PAIN..

hmph~

u know i need you. den only u be wif me. also wont happy de. so whats de point if u don love me but be wif me cos u noe i need u? n also, whats de point if i love u, u love me, but we don be together?

sighs,..

"although we cnt meet, but just let u feel that im wif u?"
you always so .. haihs..

cnt meet cnt meet..

or tis is last time bla bla bla..

my heart cnt take it der,, make me more depressed only..

always tell me what

"happy memories dont last long"

den the next day, its like.. back to problem again.. never end der..

one day sweet, next day just evrything gone.. I dun mean I want everyday sweet, but at least everyday even out a bit.. not 1 day real great, n the next real bad..

how u wan me to react to al this? enjoy when its great n dun care when its bad?

u cn but i cnt!

now u say wan love me as much as i can.. de next day u tell me the most u cn love me is as a fren!

if like this, what about me ner?!!!

when are u going to be ready.. when are u able to accept? when...?

sighs,...

sobs

you say u sure.. sobs.. really mar? later when you think again.. den u become unsure again.. sobs..

DeaR.. Bao bei need you to know..

Do you know how I feel?... I'm so disappointed in you til I am so sad and frustrated now.. my heart ald broken ler.. Its true.. Im really not kidding.. my heart actually hurts so so so so much.. not being able to contact you.. even the skies are grey.. sighs,....

why? you said before your heart is like stone.. did you know that, even stone can be smashed n melted? why cant you? please dun stop your heart.. just follow what it says.. dun hold back and be like this.. just Let it be..

I really have no more energy and no more ways of wanting you to be with me happily.. I have no idea how to pull you back.. no more ideas already.. so you should be happy rite? Happy that I finally din disturb you.. no matter how I try to not think about you.. you are always the centre of my heart..

sighs.. Im bad in maths.. but know 1+1=2..
U + ME =EVERYTHING
now.. I feel lost.. really nothing..

sighs.. you read ler.. how you feel? I feel like holding you.. hugging you.. Im cryin as I write all this.. I dono why.. Your pillow bully me..

='(

you see.. I know I draw der, very ugly.. sorry.. but i just wish you could hold me again.. be with me.. deep down in your heart.. I know there's something inside you, that really care about me der..

DeaR....

you said before... after rain.. sure got sun der.. n rainbow.. i draw de, not as nice as what you see in the skies.. Im not perfect.. not good in anything.. even now, i draw this so ugly.. but what can I do? I really tried my best.. draw many times ald.. sobs..

I know you like de rainbow is not like this der.. but i reli try ler..

sorry.. Im no good..

in anything..

Me and You

Love

Heart

even though you never liked the hearts and love shape that I draw.. I really cant do anything..

Sorry so ugly.. thats why you dont want me..

even my drawing so ugly..

what more me..

sighs... I really tried ler.. really really tried..

what you stil want me to do?

please..... i tried very hard ler..

='(

I want us to be like this..

both of us..

become 1..

two become one..

one love

one heart

one energy

one power

one strength

one all

I know you wont want me to put hope on us.. i know you want me to forget you.. I cant. while Im typin this, the thunder roars,, I remember that day when you were with me.. u sayang my head.. so nice.. den u gave me sucha big hug.. hold me so tightly.. cuddle my face close to yours .. Mwarckszszszsz....

dont ask me why i love you..

I just cant stop my feelings and my heart for you.. given a chance i wish i don't even have a heart..

then it'll be less painful for me..

I don't like the pain now..

I really hate it..

I hate that we are apart.. distance is killing me..

it really is..

whatever you say now.. no use ald..
my feelings are so sad.. so down.. so hurt.. now.. i dono what i feel,,
feel so numb.. feel like waking up from this nightmare..
feel like going back to the times when it was just u n me..
1+1=2
1+1=<3

sighs..
u +me=everything..


u said u mind?
i know.. im very clear of that..
n i noe there's no chance for me anymore..
u mind so much about our relationship..
its ok.. its hard 4 me to accept this fact cos i need u so much..
but watever..
cos i noe no matter what i do, also cnt make u change ur mind about us..
i din even do anything.. u ald start thinking so much.. mind tis n mind tat,..
so wat about me?
i reli cnt do anything..
i don wan u to mind..
wan u to be wif me..
i want to make u happy..
n want u to make me happy..
wan u to noe that i'll be there to listen to ur problems..
ur many problems that some i cnt hlp..
i noe.. but at least im there for u always..
i'll always be there to listen..
all u ever need to do is msg o call me..

but no.. u dont..
everything u hide to urself.. and den u just moodswing again..

what u want me to do? i reli dono.. leave n let go?
is that what u really want?
am I such a big problem in ur life?
Am i really just rubbish that u can throw?
a cat that u can kick far away?


do you really hate me that much?
Am i really sucha trouble for you and your life?
why..........?

its all you..
because you cnt accept this type of relationship..
because you mind what others think,..
because you care more about others.. then ur own..

I cnt stop you from thinking this way.. cos its ur mind, ur brain.. I cnt control that..

but even though i really really really really hope u dun mind..
i noe there's no chance.. sighs.. u sure mind.. and u sure gonna be stress if i tell u all these..
I really want to know what can i do to make u not mind about this relationship?
what can i do so u can accept this relationship 100%?
what can i do to make u love me?
what can i do to make u care..................


i really want to melt ur heart..
so so much..
so that u would just be wif me happily.. sighs..

i tell u all these also no use dy..
u will just keep thinking its a stupid mistake..
thinking that u being wif me is a bad thing..
thinking all the negativity of us..
thinking n thinking..

i say what also no use ald..
just wan giv u hug,
stroke ur hair,.......
close ur eyes, ......
touch ur cheeks, ....
and whisper in ur ears..
"I'm with you, dear...."...

sighs.. no matter what I say, you wouldn't understand..
u cant sense and cant feel how much and how important you are to me..

thats just our prob..
u mean everything to me..
but i mean nothing to you..
nothing at all..
really just nothing..

like oxygen in air,
water in sea,
air particles in wind,
nothing!!!


IM NOTHING... sighs.................

='(


wishing you would listen n accept de ,
Bao Bei..

>.<

sOmeone told me wise words..

said "Dream what you want to dream,
Go where you want to go,
Be what you want to be,
Because you only have ONE life, and
ONE chance to do all the things you want to do.."


what if I said I dont want to listen..
cos all I need is ONE thing.. and u know what that "thing" is..


den there'd be another answer..
" in life, on earth... some things are great and precious..
but not all great and precious things can be owned by me,
and me alone.. some things are too good.. too great..
that it can never be owned by anyone..
especially not by me.. "


sighs.. i really need u.. Im so sick.. fall sick cos of you.. but u in the end ans me u dun wan sick cat.. noe i hear ald, so sad mar?
sighs................

i need u.. love u so much.. but i dun wan bother u..
evrytime i see the phone,
no msgs
no calls
no nth..

disappointed.. but u dun noe.. n i dun expect u to always msg me too..
u have ur life.. ur work.. ur busy..
i understand.. but sometimes,
its reli nice to know u miss me..

it really makes my day brighter..

sighs.....

i miss u so much.. feel lik hugging u n dun let go..

i really dont understand why..
why whatever I do, its never good enough for you?
its never enough to make u feel touched?
never enough to make u feel loved.?
and cared...?

never enough to melt ur heart.. and be with me.......

whats wrong with me?
why am I so useless?
sighs...

Im sorry Im not good enough for you..
really sorry..
its all my fault..
there;s nth else I can do..

evrthing I want, I cnt get..
but i'll be fine.. dun worry..
even tho now im so sick, cough blood out too..
STIL CNT COMPARE TO HOW HURT I FEEL..
nth is worse den that...

i hate this feeling
i hate myself too..
i hate my heart too..


Love,
BaoBei

Me...
here...

lost..
blurr..
alone..
cold..

somehow I don't miss home.. but I also don't feel like I belong anywhere..
why?

I'm getting sicker and sicker each day..
blurry vision..
running nose..
headache..
neck pain..
back pain..
ear block..
gastric..

and so many more..

I don't know whats my purpose in life and I don't want to ask myself this question anymore..
what am I doing here?

sighs...

I'm very foolish.. I feel stupid because I always relent to people's needs and let go my very own needs and wants..

sighs...

thinking of you

I'm sitting alone in my living room...
feeling nothing in particular.. only a sense of emptiness n lost..
from where I'm sitted at, I could actually look out to the houses that surrounds my apartment..
some houses looked so closely litted and warm.. some, looked bare .. kind of like what I'm feeling now..

Its times like this when I realise I miss you more than anything else..
My complicated life..
I miss you.. but not you as in you.. I miss you for who you are when your with me.. not whoever you are when your not with me.. do you understand?

Bao bei miss dear.. your always so busy these days... makes me heartbroken to know that you don't even have much time to rest yourself..

you really must learn how to take care of yourself kyies?
eat properly.. on time..
drink more water too..
use sweater when your cold..
must relax your mind at least 5 minutes every 1 hour of work..
be able to slp when there's any extra time..

sighs... u seem so tired.. I miss you so much.. and I don't want you to worry about me..
I might be facing many problems here.. but to me, when I have you.. thats enough for me.. and thats all I ever need to go on with my life..
to be strong and face my problems..

nothing worries and hurts me more than knowing I'm really nothing in your heart..

sighs...

my heart misses you so dearly.. I noe u may be sick of hearing the fact that I miss you but really.. I'm not kidding..

at times ur just so sweet.. even through a simple word melts my heart right away... makes me feel whole.. feel full... feel satisfied n complete.. when u msg me u love me.. its like nth else matters.. my life is completed with you... without you, it wll never be completed..


many times I ask myself how to melt your heart.. how to keep your heart close to mine.. what can I do to so that you feel loved.. so that your actually aware that I'm here.. and I'm alive.. and that I still care n love you..

no words can describe how I really feel about you.. and I know the more Iexplain.. the more blur your going to be..

you are just
amazing,
great,
outstanding,
wonderful,
charismatic,
remarkable,
indescribeable,
perfect...

hugging both your pillow while i type these.. hmmmmmmmm.....dear.....

I HATE MYSELF
I AM SO USELESS
I AM NOT WORTH IT
I AM GOOD IN NOTHING
I AM A PIECE OF JUNK
I AM NOTHING

SO ITS LUCKY FOR YOU
LUCKY BECAUSE I'M WORTH NOTHING TO YOU
LUCKY BECAUSE I'M NO LONGER IN YOUR HEART
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU CAN JUST FORGET ME IN A CLICK SECOND
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU NO LINGER NEED ME
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU THREW ME AS FAR AS POSSIBLE
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU WONT BE HERE WITH ME
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE ME TO BE YOUR BURDEN
LUCKY BECAUSE YOU CAN HAPPILY LIVE ON WITHOUT ME..

HOW CAN I LOVE AND CARE BOUT MYSELF?
I REALLY CANT.. MY STUPID MIND IS ALWAYS FILLED WITH YOU
PLEASE DONT BLAME ME..

AND PLEASE TRUST THAT I AM DIFFERENT COMPARE TO OTHERS,,'
I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART..
WHEN U ASK ME WHY..
I REALLY CNT GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.. BECAUSE ITS RELI EVERYTHING..

YOU ARE NOT NOTHING TO ME..

YOUR MY EVERYTHING, MY ALL..
MY LIFE..

YOUR LUCKY I'M NO LONGER IN YOURS.. GUESS YOU MUST BE CELEBRATING ALREADY..

YOUR LUCKY BECAUSE IM NOTHING. NOBODY. NO ONE.
NOTHING BUT JUNK.
USELESS, PRICELESS, WORTHLESS, FOOLISH, HEARTLESS.


I FINALLY REALISE I AM NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU TOO...

dear, do you know that..?

Life must hold a promise of better things in store..
Let me say I'm truly sorry
And let me hold your hands once more..
~~~~~~~~~~

Life's joy is found in our moments together..
those times we're alone.. just us two..
Life's joy is all we have created together..
Life's joy is in me loving you..
All I ever wanted, ever needed,
I found,
When i found you...
~~~~~~~~~~

Miles may come between us,
And time may past too fast..
But I want you to know
That I, thinking of you, hoping your always Okay...
~~~~~~~~~~

I miss you with my whole heart,
And with my whole mind..
That loves to think about you,
And with my kiss,
That love to kiss you,
And with my eyes,
That love to look at you,
And with my ears,
That love to hear you laugh,
And with my arms,
That love to hold you,
And with my.... lets just say i miss you ,
mind...
body...
heart...
And soul....
~~~~~~~~~~


Somebody cares if your days are going right..
Somebpdy cares if your outlook's bright..
Somebody cares if your skies are all blue..
If wishes and dreamsin your heart all come true,
Somebodyhopes that day in and day out,
You'llalways have lots to be happy about,
And somebody thinks your as DEAR as can be..
I'm sure of all this,
That somebody is actually,
ME...
you're special.. take care...
~~~~~~~~~~


I love you, and you love me..
Do you know what that means?
Everything..
~~~~~~~~~~


No one else can really know how your feeling at the moment,
But sometimes, knowing others care for you ,
May be a source of strength and comfort..
wish you better days ahead
And hoping it helps to know that your always
Close in thought..
~~~~~~~~~~

LASTLY,

Relationships aren't easy..
And I don't there are two people who know this more than us rightnow..
But please think of it,
If there is nothing worth saving,
We wouldn't be struggling like we are now..
We would have already closed the door..
But clearly we are not ready to give up on our love..
I'm not saying its going to be easy,
But I really truly deeply believe that we are worth the effort..
And I'm hoping you feel the same way too..

SIGHS... DEAR....

THREE WORDS..

I. LOVE. YOU.

dear..

there's jz so many things I want to say to you..
but I seldom have the chance at all..
practically no chance.. sighs...
so many times I need someone to talk to..
but I just dont want to bother you with your busy life..
sighs...

those nights when you left me alone,
I feel like calling you, messaging you.. just to wish n hope to see even one single reply..
but no, I forced myself not to.. each time I don't get a reply, I'll be disappointed.. sighs...

I always want to ask you how's your day?
are you feeling better n already calm down or not..?
can you start caring a bit more about me instead?
wil you message or cal me later?
did you even think of me just now?

sighs.. nth I say is going to melt your heart anymore... so whats the point I try..
Im here to say I really missed you a lot these few days and I wished Im in your heart..
I miss ur sayang, ur kisses on my head, rubrub n ur hugs...

sighs...


dear, ................

just reminicing..

Sighs..



its 5.17pm .. on a sunday evening..life isnt looking too fine..



looking out my bedroom window, while lying down on my so-called "comfortable n cosy" bed, thunder strikes n howls upon out of no where.. sending freaking chills up my spine at the sound of that remarkable roar.. scary..

again, looking out, all i can see is the trees that is near my window, looking at the rain water drippin the leaves.. leaves swaying here n there.. as though following a great rythm..,

looking downwards however,

i could see a lot of guys swimming by the apartment pool.. having a time of their day, swimming in the rain.. playing.. feeling of stressed free n full satisfaction.. sighs.. they seem to have no troubles to think of.. jz enjoying their time here..



sometimes i wonder why in the world do i have so much problems to face... sometimes in life.. i guess not evrything is in our control..n from what i annalysed.. there are two different types of ppl in this world..

some ppl wil choose to follow their hearts and their desires.. to just go on wif life.. follow wherever their hearts takes them to..

some ppl however, choose to avoid certain problems and mistakes from occuring.. before the thing happens, they avoid..



sighs.. my question is, when two ppl from two different worlds..



think differently.. One wants to follow feelings, desire, the passion of love, hearts n soul..

One however, holds in.. doensnt want to let it out n let it be.. wants to solve, avoid problems o mistakes n just get on wif life.. in other words, even if u cn avoid now, but in the long run.. u cnt.. n instead, ur making both parties suffer because of all those stupid decisions u make..



being apart from u, bring me nothing but lonliness n pain..

being close to u, always brings me anxiety, excitement in life..

dear, without u, i feel incomplete.. dun hold back .. come on.. guaii guaii listen.. just go wif the flow.. i love u n u love me.. why not we stop punishing ourselves.. n just be together.. we cn face evrything together.. its okay..



i also seriously have no clue y m i typin all these.. sighs... just scare that if u read tis, den u feel somthing else.. n den u leave me again.. sighs.. dun do tis k... its stupid..

so many things i wana say to u,

so many actions i need to show u,

so many times i need u,

so many *i love u* 's i need to tell u..



open ur eyes.. accept my love 4 u.. im always me inside.. im always the same.. the same bao bei u met the 1st day.. wif u, i'll always be myself.. i love u dear...



do u noe how sad n hurt i m to see u always so busy?

12 something stil haven mumm mumm... sighs.. plz take care of urself.. i noe if i care 4 u too much, u feel ur not gud engh 4 me,, n u wan me to start treating myself better.. i wil be peace at heart when i see u well.. i wil take care of myself just lik how i take care of u de.. i care 4 u so much.. sometimes even make many stupid decisions just to c u happy..



dear..



i love u dear..

bao bei love u der..

dianne love u...



plz dun think so much if u ald read tis blog.. dun think too much k.. its nth der..





LOVE,



AnnE

Have you ever been in a situation where,

Have you ever felt like you really love someone?
and that special someone feels the same way about you?
but because of many misunderstandings, misconceptions, misfortunes,
your not able to be together?
in life, i realise now that there really are just too many things out of our control..
too many problems young souls like me have to face...


dear, Im sorry I love YOU so much,
and i just want to let u noe that living,
a life without you, brings me nothing but misery..
why do you have to let me go..
why cnt you say things like u'll stand by me,
and if any problem comes, we face together?
instead, u let me go , to see me happy while u suffer?
and i let u go, so that u wont have problems,
and u cud be happy even if i cnt...
last night, 19th march... do u noe how hard i went thru..
i miss u so much... but controlling myself to stay far away from the phone
isnt helpin at all.. i love u so much... ervy 5mins i wil peep over to my phone ,
just to see whether u miss me, sighs...

how cn i explain how much u are , in my heart,, how much u are, part of my life, my heart, my soul, my ALL...
simple words dun do the trick... i really cannot picture myself without you... lookin at our pictures, i feel so lost, like a lost soul floating in the streets , no one to talk to here, no friends, no family, no YOU.

but i always remind myself , no matter how hard, try my best not to bother you, let u live ur own life.. its all my fault... i cnt , i dun hav anything special, im not gud enough 4 u... u think we;re different... have u ever heard of opposites attract? sighs....when two ppl from two different ends of worlds meet, and share something special.. its magical... why cnt u trust me, and have faith in me? why do u always have to let go, throw me... dumpin me to no where...

u know i cnt hate u. but u always say hating u is a better option 4 me,
u noe i cnt hate u.. u noe i love u more n more each day... u noe im lost n hurt without u... why i bother to say all this...

time cnt turn back.. if i cud, i would do many things, to grab hold of ur heart, to whispher in ur ears again, to hold on tightly to u... saying i need u... telling u, I LOVE YOU.. holding on.. not wating to let go.. cuddling in ur arms like a little lost baby..lying on ur thighs, lookin up to ur eyes... sendin u eye contact, so that even thru my eyes, u noe how much i need u n how much i want u bck...

if time cud turn back.,...


sighs... a never ending pain i have to suffer... 1 after another.. if one day, im no longer here, i need u to know that i left the world, thinking about u only... i cnt promise i wont do *things*.. so im just preparing... my heart cnt take tis.. i hate myself more then ever.. how cn i love myself when the love i tried to giv u ald failed?

the times we had together.. cnt u rmbr? memories dun last 4ever.. but they dun fade so fast either... wat we have it life.. is what we choose to have...

life is what we make of it.. its what u n i decide to do together,, tat starts a new book.. this book, so empty once.. is ald filled half way.. how will the ending go? i have no idea.. but its up to both of us to make it a good one.. not a bad one.. im willing to belong to u.. willingly.. truly n sincerely...

problem is not that difficult... if u can, not tell ppl..then it might be able to solve ur problem... of all the many ways, many solutions..
why do u have to choose to let go of me?
why did u choose to give up on me?
why do u always have to make a decision 4 us?
why cnt you just be with me..?
u dun wan a relationship cos u hate it... den fine.. but pls.. dun jz care 4 me lik a fren. love me lik a fren.. u noe i cn nvr feel tat way 4 u.. u noe i love u deep down in my heart.. u noe that with u, im happy. without u, im nothing.

u rather suffer 4 me,
n i rather suffer 4 u..

why cnt we face it together?
o if we choose to avoid these problems,
we avoid together?
we r with each other.. but we find a way to avoid problems..

we dun have to end tis relationship lik this.. we really dun need to.. please... i do not want to live a life of hurt n pain... but if really, without me in ur life, without loving me, caring me, thinking of me.. ur happy..

den ur free..
jz let me bear the pain myself.. life is what u choose to make out of it.. im always willing to live life alongside with u.. im willing to share ur burden n ur pain..

tears rolling down my cheeks as i type this blog, i reli need u to noe.. i need u.. bao bei dun lik lonely..


dear.......

Its 20th march 2008 now...
<:AtomicElement>
sighs... its been such a while since I last posted anything.. my life has been spinning 360 degrees since my last post, october 8th...
<:AtomicElement>
reasons why I did not post any since then.. hmmm... lets see.. 1st, I had SPM exams going on.. then right after that I went back to Kuala Lumpur in December. then By 29 December i ended up in Program Latihan Khidmat Negara... Out of camp, March 11th, I too my results and headed straight to take my results. And now, Im in my apartment, studying in Taylors University College, Subang Jaya.

dedicated to my special fren.

sometimes when I look into the mirror..
I would always ask myself so many questions..

*Why am I so fat ? (eat alot)
*Why my face so many pimples? (sometimes alot)
*Why I'm so dark? (blame my mother side's genes)
*Why so hard to get rid of all these blackheads? (facial seldom go )

then moments later, I'm still standing infront of the mirror..

then I'll ask myself..
*Why I did not put more makeup? (then it wont look so obvious that Im so ugly)
*Why I complain so much? ( cos im a gal and we complain)
*Why Am I talking to myself (er.. this is awkward)

then.. I look again.. and ask again.
*Why my hair so weird today? (its hard to maintain curl)
*Why my mouth so small? (give me Angelina Jolie or something)
*Why my eyes so small? (I always envy ppl with big eyes)

but then when I lie down on the bed at night,
relaxing and reminiscing ,
I'd be talking myself.
hmmm.. i should be lucky to have what I have in life..
and it doesnt matter about how I look..
but what a person I would be in say 5 or 10 years..?
what good do I serve the world if Im pretty but a total nut head?
then I'll jz fall asleep.. hahah,, kidding.. I always ask myself many questions that are sometimes unexplainable and weird..
anyways, here goes..

there is this boy in my school.. lets just call him JOhn Doe..
So, John.. sighs.. where can I start.. Lets just say he aiant BradPitt.. and he doesnt have a body of a supermodel o any guy you could find in Manhunt..
but.. somehow.. I always wonder why I observe him so much.. he is poor. yup. literally.. seriously.. he goes to school everyday.. early in the morning, he goes with his mom around town collecting cans.. i think its their only means of living.. food supply and so on.. he get bullied in school.. people always look down on him as he is the so called "dig rubbish bin guy" come on.. he has to do it.. to look for cans.. i mean.. its not like its his hobby or anything.,, sheesshh those freaks,.. cnt you just leave him alone? his life revolves around the streets near my school.. i think he doenst have a father.. hmm.. wonder why.. but Im not that nosy.. so ou could always see him and his mother.. two lonesome wittss..
transport? bicycle. 1 only.. imagine.. in this modern era.. bicycle? imagine how tough life cn be? the mother always cycles.. he jz walks next to her.. and because he always needs to collect cans and stuff. sometimes he;s late for school.. you could pratically see him running in the school gate.. he does try to tuck in his shirt and put on a tie.. though his shirt isnt your ideal white.. somehow.. its all that he has you know? life's so tough for him.. i always wonder.. what if it was me? Ouch.. eewww.. rubbish bin? sighs.. what a different world I live in.. every recess, his mother would go to the schools backgate to bring him some food or so.. after eating, he actually has to go and search pratically every dustbin in the school.. people laugh at him, push him.. and once I heard he was even spat at..he does turn up in school.. though he is poor.. he does do his homework too.. basically my point is, he has a tough life.. people should not mis treat him..

and why am I saying this in the blog?
its because I dono who am I suppose to share this with.. this submerged feeling deep down my heart finally needs to come out..
i realise that Im actually very lucky.. I have all the time in the world to stand in front of my full length mirror, talk to myself and complain about my imperfectio when i could be doing some other useful things..

another incident..
real life example. my close fren.. Jane Doe.. again.. she doesnt come from the so called perfect world.. broken family background.. tough life too.. but she;s much more fortunate.. she works during the hols.. she knows how to save money.. she knows the value of money.. while I, splash witout even blinking an eye.. thinking that, (daddy, I wan money)..

once, we ate breakfast together .. she ate the local kuching kolomee.. with only the mince meat on the top.. i was alse eating kolomee.. but mine has the *cahr sau*, the mince meat, and on top of that, i added the wonton.. I remember very vividly, asking her, is it nice.. she said it was nicer than the normal *char sau* plus mince meat.. without the *char sau* it wasnt only tastier.. but cheaper.. She even said it was cheaper by 10cents and she smiled happily.. then, I felt a pang of guilt.. an uneasy feeling because there I was, guilty of ordering something extra and wasting that extra RM1 when she was there trying to even save 10 cents..

these are actual live experiences.. and examples..
see..

and somehow.. i felt so guilty,,
so here i m.. pouring out what i feel..

in case i hurt anyone;s feeling... im sorry.. but.. this is what im thinking., and i want to dedicate this blog to my fren , Jane Doe.. (cnt use real name)
***, u reli made me realise what a lucky person I am.. and i should not take money for granted.. ur a real great fren.

love, dianne

what have i been up to lately?

life's tough.. i guess maybe not many would agree with me.. but tjats just how i feel..

sighs...
ppl are always wondering.. deep down inside them.. only they dun tell..

they'll be asking themselves things and questions like what do I actually see in him.. everytime i get a bad comment about him.. i always defend him, protect him .. why should I have to do this ?

he already has a new girl in his life.. I thought I could handle it.. but I seriously cant.. some expected me to pratically die, they knew i would be hurt, so they didn't tell me.. and some, thought that I could handle it well as I always hide my feelings.. so they didn;t bother telling me too..

Iguess I made this impression that I'm totally over him though my heart still desires him.. but hey, i learnt my lesson..And I did so many dumb things.. People around me who love and support me never gave up..
then, there was light.. a mere flicker.. but I came to my senses.. I knew that time is going to change everything eventually.. i mean, Rome wasn't built in one day..

I cried so many nights.. I feel so empty.. he is happy now.. i keep telling myself this.. But u know, when the guy you love, is happily hugging a girl instead of you, kissing.. and maybe more.. when it used to be you.. you were that girl .. were..

now? I have no idea who I am,
or even what i want out of life..
i need someone to bring me out of this misery.. everytime I write my blog.. i think of *you*
but , instead, u mock me behind my bck.. saying stuff lik why i want to write things like this is the blog..
i mean for heaven's sake!! its my blog.. me! mine!

i can write what ever i want and i do not want to care about what people think of me.. they do not know, they do not understand.. the sadness that surrounds me..
the loneliness... emptiness.. i yearn to share wif my special someone..

so, through this month,
I made a conclusion about myself..

I realise that I'm not only stupid but Im sucha fool..
a blind one too..
why?

I thought we had a chance..
thought we could relive memories that seemed to fade more and more each day..
how could I even think that we would have a chance?
I mean, ur a player. and you'll always be one.. (trust me, im not the only one saying it)

what did u used to say to me again? (babylaOpo,, ii love uue, and will never let uue go..)

what bullshit is this?!
congrats for making me unable to ctrl my emotions.
congrats for making you my everything, and when your gone, im left with nothing..
congrats because you could make me smile a minute, den mad de nex..

I love YOu.
yup.
Thats rite.
i do.
and i feel stupid.

dianne